Balzac’s, Guelph, ON

Drink Selection – 5/5 – Am I really giving a 5/5 for having a list of seasonal drinks? Yes. The bar is on the ground.

Drink Quality – 2/5 – Hazelnut White Mocha, Sounds like it would be good, right? Bitter, sour, flavourless. (Guelph’s Café motto, apparently). Monin syrups strike again.

Snack Selection – 4/5 – Nothing overly interesting but a wide variety of baked goods that looked tasty.

Snack Quality – 4/5 – Had an almond croissant. I have a feeling their baked goods are mass produced somewhere, but at least they’re massed produced with good taste.

Overall Vibes – 3/5 – It gives chain vibes (it is a small chain). Is decently busy so it has the background chatter that makes a café feel inviting.

Further notes – First of all, why is it named that?? It feels embarrassing to say. Secondly, it is a chain, so that loses it some points in my mind. Thirdly, although everything else was decent, having near undrinkable coffee brings it down a few. At this point I’ve gone through the first three stages of grief over the quality of cafes in Guelph and am now in the pit of despair. I have lost hope of having a Friday/Saturday morning treat and now have to try to convince myself to endure the torture that is handing over 5 of my dollars to drink something gross. Is this masochistic or should this be classified as self-harm?

Overall rating – 3/5